Middle school kids are full of curiosity about the world. Photo by the author

Why Middle School Gets a Bad Rap — And Why It Deserves Better

Middle school hits at a tough time for kids. It involves multiple classes and teachers, a tougher course load, social pressures, and of course, puberty. But with these challenges comes the beauty of independence and growth. Tweens and teens learn how to be themselves, focus on their needs and those of their social circle, and adjust to the quick pace and requirements of life. We're sharing middle school tips, including important info from Dr. Kimberly Kayser, Ph.D., a pediatric neuropsychologist based in Nashville, TN.

3 Things Every Middle Schooler Needs to Hear Daily

1. "I'm here for you, no matter what."

Your middle schooler needs to hear that their parents will always be there, whether they fail a test, make a poor choice, or act out. According to Dr. Kayser, research shows that when "adults provide structure through clear expectations, predictable routines, and appropriate choices, adolescents are capable of increased self-regulation and more mature decision-making."

2. "I love you. Thank you for being you."

Kids undergo a great deal of emotional development in middle school. Don't underestimate the power of a vocal "I love you." In a time of busy schedules and online negativity, clear and meaningful words of affection can go a long way for older kids. However your family shows love, show it every day!

3. "I'm so proud of you!"

Dr. Kayser says, "Blending warmth, structure, and opportunities for independence within a stable, supportive environment, parents... are shaping the brain's developing pathways for lifelong self-regulation, responsible decision-making, and resilience."

Middle school is a great time for kids to develop new interests! Photo by Nicole O'Donnell

10 Tips for Making Middle School Amazing

1. Celebrate Individuality

Middle school is the time of experimentation with looks, extracurricular interests, social groups, and more. As long as these choices are healthy, support new interests and join in. If an all-black, emo wardrobe is the new look, go shopping with your child and help style the looks.

2. Validate Emotions

Sometimes your middle schooler just needs an ear to listen. Though it can be tempting to offer middle school advice, sometimes the best way to help is to sit, listen, and validate strong emotions.

3. Encourage Independence

Dr. Kayser says parents should allow for decision-making in safe, structured contexts, which builds self-agency and responsibility. For example, you might say, "Here are the must-dos. You choose the order." A little middle school encouragement goes a long way!

4. Set Tech Boundaries Together

Teach middle schoolers to be responsible digital users, either through a third-party secure organization or by setting their own boundaries. Look through the Federal Trade Commission's page for tips about online safety.

5. Promote New and Existing Friendships

As the Girl Scouts say, "Make new friends, but keep the old." Remind your teen that it's okay to work on new friendships and keep those elementary-school besties.

6. Provide Structure Without Micromanaging

"Predictable routines, clear expectations, and external scaffolds (planners, calendars, checklists, 'first/then' prompts) reduce the mental load on developing working memory and planning systems," says Dr. Kayser.

7. Coach Self-Regulation Skills

Model problem-solving out loud, break complex tasks into steps, and help teens practice pausing before acting.

8. Allow for Mistakes

Middle school is the time to make low-scale mistakes, whether with grades, social scenarios, etc. Remind kids that it's okay to make an error and examine the situation, so they can learn and not repeat the issue as they grow and the stakes get higher.

9. Let Kids Be Kids

Middle school kids want and need independence, but they also want to just be kids! Let them be silly, play with toys, hit a playground or park, bake cookies with you, etc. These are great moments to spend time together.

10. Give Real Responsibility

In addition to managing their own grades and academic schedules, teens can also take on responsibilities around the house (i.e. laundry, trash takeouts, etc.) or a small, outside job. Many churches and synagogues offer Sunday school opportunities (paid or volunteer), as well as tutoring, babysitting, and more.

Middle School Is a Magic Time!

The middle school years aren't a time to survive; they're a time to thrive. When we reframe it in that way, we open up incredible opportunities for connection and growth and allow our kids to have a positive middle school experience. Show up with enthusiasm and curiosity and your middle schooler will rise to the occasion.

Middle school kids are ready to explore the world and their place in it. Photo by the author

FAQs for Parents of Middle Schoolers

Q: Why is middle school so hard for kids?
A: Dr. Kayser says "Middle school often gets labeled as 'the hardest time' because it's a period when brain systems related to emotion, motivation, and reward are maturing faster than the systems responsible for self-control and long-term planning." Kids crave independence but still need support, which can cause friction. If you give them empathy and guidance, you can help make middle school a beautiful stage.

Q: How can I help my middle schooler be more confident?
A: Assign your middle schooler chores and jobs to give them a sense of responsibility. Celebrate their individuality by avoiding comparisons and giving them space to become who they want to be. Focus on their efforts rather than outcomes. Welcome all the changes along the road.

Q: What's the best way to communicate with a middle schooler?
Avoid the basic, "How was your day?" Instead, ask about a specific uplifting or challenging moment during the day. Be a good, active listener without offering input (unless they specifically ask for it) or criticism.

Q: How do I know if my middle schooler is struggling emotionally?
A: Look out for irritability, withdrawal, negative self-talk, changes in appetite or sleep, and major emotional dysregulation. If you notice these things, it may be time to reach out to a school counselor, a therapist, a trained professional, or a trusted family member/friend.